Brace Yourself!

He does exist apparently. Facebook gives two such profiles.

Whenever someone from Birmingham finishes a sentence the pitch of their voice increases, as though they were sorry for what they had said, the way they had said it, and in fact for occupying the space which by right of not being from Birmingham is rightfully yours.
Everyone from Birmingham lives with the guilt of their birth, spend their whole lives apologizing and when they die, the go straight to hell, because those awful accents would destroy all the harmony in heaven.

And if you want to be REALLY green, piss in the kettle!

There is hardly a disease for which someone somewhere does not have the cure.

My house is worth about £320,000.
In many parts of the world, I could buy a BIG house.
For instance, in Romania I could buy this caste for 295,000 euroes.

In France I could buy this chateau for 620,000 euros.

Stand outside Donalk Trump,s golf resorts selling Chinese lanterns – little kites which carry lit flames inside them.
These are legal in most of the world.
When the wind is right they will fry over the resort. Some of them will land, and some of those will start fires.

You cannot be a genius because you cannot be what you are not.

Just like companies that have gone through dramatic changes, countries that have undergone war or natural disaster must consider a change of name.
So traumatic must losing in the World Cup semi finals must have been to us English that we should consider a change of name.

If we had won the world cup I would have suggested we rename ourselves ‘WINLAND’.
As it is, we lost so I think we should rename ourselves ‘LOSELAND’.

Germany lose 2.0 to South Korea.
I haven’t felt so much pain since I discovered laughing gas.

Anyone of a certain age will know the word ‘trump’ as a synonym for ‘fart’.
Entirely appropriate.