Brace Yourself!

I climbed to the top of St Paul’s cathedral with a effigy of miss blowup doll 2013, and preached to the world, ‘I am the one true God and this is my Mary’, before I put a rocket up her rectum and fired her at Buckingham Palace?

The word ‘frack’ sounds offensive so the French should not be amused when I ask why those energy companies are cracking north England in the quest for shale gas.
Go gasmen, and frack the fracking French!

While talking complete rubbish to a friend of mine I stumbled on the great new name for a superhero: POOPERMAN! Then I found I was not the first to think of this name.

This evening there was some fierce knocking at my door and I opened to be faced by some large fierce guy screaming about parking – that someone who lives here has no right to park on that part of the pavement.
There may be something wrong with me but I have come to enjoy these confrontations and I think he was surprised to be told in no uncertain terms there was nothing wrong with the way the car was parked and it would not be moved. He walked away and back several times getting louder and threatening violence while I told him any such or damage to the car would be a police matter.
I look forward to seeing him again.

When Charles Saatchi and Nigella Lawson were fighting in an expensive restaurant surrounded by other rich people, how many of those rich people said something to the effect of, ‘yo man, tone it down a bit’?
None of them. Instead it seems, they all whipped out their smartphones and started taking pictures.
Shows that not only poor people can be tacky.

Just watched a video of a toddler falling 5 floors and being caught by several men who had been standing there.
How long before toddlers are thrown from skyscrapers in the hope of having a video go viral on YouTube?

I have been thinking about entering politics and thinking about the role I could have. I am a mathematician so I would like to be the Minister for maths.
Please prime minister can you make me minister for maths by the end of week.

Make up a good lie, believable and consistent. My favourite lie is that ex President George Bush has below average intelligence. Many people are prepared to believe it and would like it to be true. It is certainly plausible and explains a lot.

There are two things that always annoyed me about their calculators, so I just emailed them to see if they would change their design slightly. I said:

I teach maths and your calculators cause confusion because
1. They tell my students that -3 squared is -9
2. They tell my students that 100+10% (when typed in like this) equals 100.1
Please rectify these two points so that my students find maths just a little bit easier.

Just got this reply

Thank you for your enquiry.

Casio has passed this onto ourselves, as we are the leading authority on calculators used in UK schools.

All current twin-lines scientific calculators operate using the correct and precise priority of mathematical operations when a calculation is evaluated.

Squaring
Raising to the power 2 MUST take priority over the negative indicator (which is equivalent to multiplication by negative 1).
Verbally we often say “-3” have a slight pause “squared” which implies we are squaring by -3 but every calculator that uses the correct priority of will evaluate -3^2=-9.
Basic single-line scientific calculators operate on the displayed answer, so if -3 is shown then pressing the squaring key would operate on the whole of (-3), giving the result 9.

Percentages
Again, the calculator is mathematically precise 10%=0.1, so 100 + 10% = 100.1.
Some single-line calculators have a percentage shortcut that does allow you to add a percentage of the displayed amount. Different brands and models can have their own interpretations of a percentage key. In my teaching experience, I always banned my students from using a percentage key for this very reason.

In summary, the current range of Casio scientific calculators are designed to encourage accurate calculations using the correct mathematical syntax and priorities of operations. These are listed in the back of the User Guide for further reference.

Kind regards

Stephen

Stephen Kean
Science Studio
5 Lakeside Business Park
Middle Aston
Bicester
Oxon

There was an amusing scene in court yesterday after a group of Muslims were convicted of plotting to bomb an English defence league rally. Muslims and edl members taunted each other in court, one group shouting ‘god is great’ and the other singing ‘god save the queen’.