Brace Yourself!

Whenever I think about Kate Bush I am blinded by, and she is hidden behind and crushed under, a great golden glowing globe.
Is this love?

About the home office’s outrageous and rascist ‘immigrants go home’ campaign. I was a little bit surprised to find there were only 60 complaints. Everyone should complain about this and the government prosecuted for incitement to racial violence.

Anyone who follows Justin Bieber must be laughing but the latest of his crazy antics holds out promise for fans and Bieber haters alike.
He has fallen into the habit of walking round at night with a torch, shining it into the face of likely looking girls and inviting them back to his hotel, saying, ‘you’re the one’.
Any young man looking to increase the odds of success from zero might just wait till Justin is in town and wander through town with a torch shining it into the face of every girl they meet and shouting ‘I’m Justin Bieber!’.

After the two Russians in front of her were found to be drug cheats. One by one they were disqualified. She was awarded first the bronze, then the silver, then the gold.
There must be alternative ways to win all the medals in a race.
Blow yourself up on the finish line? Presumably hoping each bit will get a medal.
Bribe all the others to drop out and cross the line three times?

I can’t afford a holiday this year. But look, the British home office is offering free flights to illegal immigrants.
I just texted ‘home’ to the home office immigration hotline. Apparently if I can convince them I am Pakistani they will fly me to Pakistan.
After a couple of weeks of sin, drinking and debauchery, I might get myself deported back to UK.

Here is the exchange of texts so far. This policy has the potential for a riot.

HOME

FREE HELP: For a free call back in Urdu, text URDU to 78070 For a free call back in Punjabi, text PUNJABI to 78070 For a free call back in Hindi, text HINDI to 78070

FREE HELP: For a free call back in English, text ENGLISH to 78070 For a free call back in other languages text OTHER to 78070

HINDI

FREE HELP: Thank you for your message. We will give you a free call back, in your language shortly, to offer you advice and help to return home.

FREE HELP: Our office hours are from 9-5 Monday to Friday, so if you have sent us a message outside of these hours we will get back to you as soon as we can.

My phone was off when they called me yesterday on an anonymous number so I texted them:
Yo bwana when you gonna fly me away?

British soldier ‘unlawfully killed’ by enemy attack in Afghanistan. The fact is they killed him fair and square, as the taleban have done with all Western soldiers who invaded their country, and anyone who uses this term ‘unlawfully killed’ takes the attitude that soldiers have a right to kill but no risk of dying.

Banksy the graffiti artist has got the point of infamy where everything he paints on a shop wall makes hundreds of thousands of pounds for some big company or rich landlord.

He is doing nothing to push the system in the right direction any more. Maybe he should stop.

When the time comes for your Independence referendum, everybody vote yes.

To celebrate have a big party and blow all the oil money.

Next day, think again. Have another referendum and rejoin the UK.

Every time there is an accident and people die, or even just one well know person dies, people throw up their arms and run into the street screaming, and the government feels forced to announce a few days of national mourning.
WHAT A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME!
Stop your whining and get on with your lives, cos the dead won’t get buried etc etc if noone picks up a spade.

Possibly in a sign of the trouble the country is in, it seems the royal couple, the Cambridges, cannot afford to buy their own toys for the royal baby and have had go begging in the streets from passers by. One understanding sop gave them £10. Begging in the streets is banned, except it seems, for members of the royal-down-and-out club who find themselves unable to subsist on their multi-million pound welfare allowance.

Suggest wonga call them to offer them an easy short term cash loan to tide them over until their next injection of reddies from the taxpayer.