Brace Yourself!

Ever wondered how much spare capacity the English language has?
For a simple example, consider all the four letter words b*st. The * must be a vowel. Possible words are bast, best, bust, bost and bust. Only the second and last are actual words. Based on this small sample, 60% of the English language is vacant.

It allows able bodied people of sound mind to get away with not making the world a better place by working.

Before the British chancellor delivers his budget, I would like to take this opportunity to ask him to inflict more pain and poverty on us. Having nothing left to sell for a few pennies, as one of the poorest people in London earning one zillionth as much as a banker I feel to should be forced to drag my wretched body through through the streets with an empty cat food tin asking for donations to the treasury.

I’m touching glory.

On Saturday I paid in some money to a santander cash machine. While doing this the machine went out of service. I got my card back but my money was not credited to my account. I spoke to one of their staff and was assured the money would be credited to my account by Monday.
IT WAS NOT!
I don’t like banks, and if they lose my money I GET ANGRY!
So, after I discovered the money was not in my account early afternoon on Monday, I spent every free minute on my phone to them. At no time on Monday did anyone at Santander talk to anyone else to find my missing money, but what really made me blow my top was, when I called them later in the evening, they explained they could not do anything because the relevant branch was not open.
I SCREAMED AND SCREAMED AND SCREAMED, then they gave me £25 to shut up and go away, and my money back too.
Lesson is be persistent and occupy as much of their time as possible and don’t let them go until they have paid you for your wasted time – they never miss an opportunity to charge you for a bounced cheque or direct debit.

Indian scientists are to spend millions of pounds to send a phone into space to see if screams can be heard.
Is this an absolute waste of money?
Thank George Osbourne its not my money.

ie those countries without a triple A credit rating.
The UK has just been downgraded to subprime, subnormal, substandard status.
To ensure we don’t stay substandard for long, the chancellor has announced the following economic measures:
All UK citizens must eat only dry bread/porridge and water for breakfast, except those on welfare or in prison, who only get water at the ambient temperature.
All government ministers must carry their own toilet paper with them. They must not use government documents as toilet paper.
The BBC is to cut its news coverage by half – the bad half of the news will not be transmitted any more.
The Royal family must hold a wrestling tournament to determine which one of them must give up a polo pony. Tickets are to be auctioned and the revenue used…
Read more…

Never did a stupid hardly literate blond deserve to be sued for anything more than Sally Bercow who is about to be sued for libel by the Tory Lord Mcalpine, who she accused of being a child abuser.
After having appeared on Big Brother (possibly nude – a lot of this goes on there) or I’m a Celebrity something or other, the leader of all the blond stupidos in England, Scotland and Wales faces possible disgrace, humiliation and bankruptcy, possibly having to turn to the lowest way of earning a living of which woman is capable – given the nature of the woman, she might not her first spell at this.
I look forward to kicking the old girl if I see her in the gutter.

When I get on the phone to customer services I am extremely aggressive and persistent.
I got really mad on when MBNA sent me a letter this week notifying me of a late payment charge because a direct debit to a credit card bounced even though
THEY TOOK THE DIRECT DEBIT TWO DAYS EARLIER THAN THEY USUALLY DO
IMMEDIATELY THE DEBIT BOUNCED THEY APPLIED A £12 LATE PAYMENT CHARGE
The day after the debit bounced I paid them manually over the phone.
When I got the letter I was livid. I phoned them and they said they would phone me back, but my policy is not to accept callbacks (I find this takes me off the boil), then they put the phone down. I phoned back immediately (the next person I speak to always has a harder time) and within 20 minutes – of my shouting at them – they refunded the late payment charge.
On Tuesday one of my websites renewed even though I had set it to expire – with domain privacy too, another $10. I emailed them immediately and they refunded my money. Just to be safe though, I phone AMEX, who processed the payment, and are in my experience extremely aggressive with companies who take money when they should not.
Then today I discovered that Barclays – everyone’s most hated – had been paying £23 a year for the past three years out of my account though I had cancelled that particular standing order. It being Barclay’s, I left dead bodies in a branch before I had to leave to go to work. Later though, I rang customer services and they refunded me all the standing orders from the date of cancellation.

Needless to say, I bought a beer on Barclays, Britains most reviled.

With the increasing cost of everything and hardly rising wages, we are all having to buy less and save, recycle, go without and repair rather than buy a new one.
We have got so used to having more of everything, like a collectively expanding human horizon. Now the Earth is running out of stuff to support us, we must all learn to live smaller lives.