Brace Yourself!

I hear Pippa Miidleton’s £40,000 nearly new BMW is now not good enough to be tarting around in – she is getting instead a £95,000 Audi – and I, being a green consumer, am SOOOOOOOOOO eager to see it not be turned into a cube of scrap metal.

Therefore my little bbbbbbuuuuuuuummmmmmmmkin I am offering to take it off your hands.
I can’t find your email address or telephone number on a card in a telephone box anywhere. I think you should advertise more – in Knightsbridge, where I understand you regularly are, you can jump on any number of randy bankers who can’t find their way home from the pub and will only be too happy to kip at your place while engaging in a bit of rumpy pumpy for a few £100000’s.
Meanwhile please text me on 07766496223 some lunchtime when you are between clients and I will relieve you of your old banger before you can say ‘in and out’..

Those freedom fighters at The Sun like listening to all our private thoughts. I think we have a right therefore to listen to the thoughts of those same people. Naturally, working at The Sun, their thoughts are all of tits, bums and infidelity. I am awaiting a reply to this email.

I dont have any advertising for you but I do have opportunities to journalista to talk dirty on the phone to other journalists. Pay rate is $100000000000000000 per hour, which reflects the extreme attractiveness of your rasping beer soaked voices and your love for the phrases ‘get em off darlin’ and ‘what a lovely pair’. I would especially like to hear from the dirty digger himself. Some people have a fetish for senile old men who can’t keep their noses out of other people’s voicemail accounts.

Some people out there don’t know the difference between £30 and £300. They really need to learn some maths.
And I want to teach them.

If you don’t know the difference between £30 and £300 give me a call.
Most lessons I will charge you £300, but sometimes I will charge you £30. By the time I’ve finished with you, you will know how much cheaper life can be if an hour of maths tuition costs £30 and nt £300.

Some of them anyway.
I got this email yesterday.
To whom it may concern.

My name is Ilyas Gondal and I am Manager Coordination at Dogar Brothers Lahore.

Dogar Brothers is a famous publishing firm of Pakistan which mostly produce Test Preparation books. We are working on a book for Medical Colleges Entrance Test i.e. Punjab MCAT. We are seeking permission to use some of the material of Physics of in our book. We hope we will be granted the permission of this purpose.

Regards

Ilyas Gondal

Manager Coordination

Dogar Brothers

17- Urdu Bazar Lahore

Pakistan

My reply is
Please publish whatever you want of my notes and make yourself lots of money.

The end of another academic year and I have worked hard to save 50p.
I have been thinking what to do with my savings, and decided to buy one of our poor banks.
I am awaiting a reply from Lloyds TSB to this email.
I would like to buy your bank.
I am prepared to offer 50p.
This offer is only open for two days. If I don’t hear from you by then I will use the money to buy a packet of crisps.

And this website is also linked from wikipedia.

I hate to think of them lonely, bored, drinking alone…
I sent them this email.
Dear Tony/Gordon,
I know you must be disappointed at not going to the Royal wedding. Since you have nothing to do on Friday I am calling you to your public duty.
I am a member of the public and your duties on Friday will include:
Cleaning the toilets
Cleaning the bathroom
Mowing the lawn
Asking the neighbours to keep the noise down etc etc.
PS Bring your wives. I can never get my underpants clean.
PPS Tony take that can of Skol Super Strength from your son. He will end up a roadsweeper and can start outside my house.

I am about to find out.
I am awaiting a reply to this email to one of their academic staff.

Can I buy a doctorate from LSE?
A la Gadaffi.
I am not the son of an Arab dictator and can’t afford to pay much. Only 20p in fact, but I do have the money now.
Please can you send me the doctorate by the end of the week.

An overseas student of mine built it. Lot of stuff to download.
www.studenttech.co.cc

If you are under 18.
Bet all you money on whatever you want. If you win, have a good time spending your winnings.
If you lose, go to them and howl. Cry, scream, “I’m only 16 (or whatever). Why did you let me do it?”
It being illegal to let under 18’s place bets, you should get your money back.
Try this with every high street betting chain.